03/02/2026
Ramblings from a night where I couldn't seem to stop writing. (highly unedited, #scared to post)
If this is to serve as a digital diary, I guess I should start writing diary entries.
My roommate Kayla who has also recently started blogging, sent me hers, and upon reading it, I realized that the unsettled feeling I've been experiencing is because I feel directionless. It feels odd to admit because there's so much in my life I'm working towards (a degree, a career, etc.), but at the same time, I'm young enough to not know exactly what I want from and in my life. The road ahead is hazy and unpaved. It doesn't make me scared or anxious, but it makes it hard to find meaning and intention in the now.
One of my New Years Resolutions was to have more intention in my life and all the things I do, but it's proven difficult to actually implement. I guess it might've been a bit ambitious to set without really having anything specific in mind. I think the real reason I want to be more intentional is because I think by nature I am not a very committed person. I move on from things quickly and like to jump around and see what new thing I like, which makes it hard to finish projects. I wish to be more goal oriented and I think that having the intention to finish something will help me actually have a finished project and be more focused. For example, having a blog. If I put more intention behind it and have a purpose and goal in mind, maybe I'll actually be committed to it instead of it being another random side project.
Me and Kayla are planning to hold a Full Moon Ritual tomorrow on the beach. She posted on her blog about it, and after reading her blog entry and hearing her intentions and plans for the ritual, it made me realize that even though I want to be spiritual and find meaning in nature and let it guide me, I never really feel a strong pull towards anything. I read her post about wanting to release things that no longer serve her, and all all the reasons for the things she plans to do, and I realized that I almost never really have something like that in mind when it comes to things like this. As soon as something requires intention, I struggle to come up with anything; new years resolutions, what to release and accept during a full moon ritual, tarot card readings, I always struggle to really connect to it. It's not that it's impossible for me to draw meaning from it, sometimes I do connect and find it helps me see things a little differently, but most of the time the most I get from it is a new train of thought thats really never too far from anywhere I've been before.
Growing up with agnostic parents, I've never been to church, I know very little about any religions, and most of what I do know I learned in school, so the concept of religion is a little baffling to me. I can't understand how people let it lead their whole lives, yet at the same time, I sometimes envy them having so much faith in something, and a true end goal to their entire lives. It's not like I'm about to turn my life over to Jesus, but I guess I just wish I felt something like that.
Sometimes I see something that feels like a sign, like I should take a great meaning away from it or it should change the course of my life in some way, but I just can't figure out what and all that comes of it is a vaguely interesting story. Maybe I only feel the need to attach meaning to everything because I see so many beautiful things everyday that it feels criminal and wasteful to just let it pass and forget it in a week. If I have a horrible week with terrible stormy weather, then walk out to see a beautiful sky with a double rainbow and a pot of gold at the end, it always feels like that should be steering me somewhere, or making me realize something monumental about me or the way I live my life. Sometimes I'll take a picture if it's something especially cool, but most of the time I sit and enjoy it then and there, and move on. It brightens my day but should I be letting it do more? I like to say I don't take pictures of things like clouds, sunsets, concerts and things like that so that I can be more present in the moments and because I'll realistically never look back on those pictures, but I feel like "living in the moment" hasn't really done much other than free up space on my phone for other useless pictures. For a long time my motto and what I deemed the "meaning of life" has been to just enjoy it because its a miracle your alive at all, but maybe there should be more to it. If I see all these beautiful things but never remember them, whats the point of living in the moment? Or do all these small moments make up a bigger, happier emotion that I can return to and say I had a good life even if I don't remember the specifics? Is it worth it to not remember details if you remember you had a good time? Is it enough to just enjoy it?
I found myself wishing I remembered more of my childhood, not just bits here and there. But I know I had a good childhood because I look back with fondness. Sure I don't remember the exact rules of the made up games I played with my sisters, or the name of each barbie doll in the basket under my bed, but I remember that it was good. I remember spending time outside, and laughing and family. I know that I was loved and taken care of and I know I had it better than a lot of other kids. Yes, it does make me a little sad that I don't have specific memories of people and how they used to be, but I'd prefer the memory of good feelings than remembering what some relative might've said to me when I was 7 years old. It makes me wonder if that's how I'll look back at my adolescence. I'm technically still in it and 13 isn't that far away, but I wonder if I'll look back and be sad I don't remember exactly what I would've done on any given Saturday night, or if I'll just be happy to remember being happy and having fun?
Sometimes I feel like I fake being spiritual because I never feel a call or pull to a higher power, whether that be a divine god, or mother nature. I don't often find myself doing something because it "just feels right". I always try to feel what's right when I make an attempt at art, but I'm not usually satisfied with the result and I don't feel any particular pull, it just feels like I'm sitting there with an empty head. The closest I've gotten to feeling a spiritual connection are through music and the ocean, two things I hope to pursue and nurture throughout my whole life.
Maybe the not feeling like theres anything I need to release, or change or let into my life are signs that I'm actually content, but I live in a world where content feels empty. It feels like I always need to be reaching for something bigger and better, it feels wrong to feel like i've already achieved all I want. It reminds of me of the movie adaptation of The Little Prince, and the businessman who wanted to own all the stars to have more money to buy more stars, but it was just an endless loop of greed that didn't make any sense. Why own a star in the first place?
Maybe its not contentment that I'm feeling, but indecision. I always say I want to travel, but where to? I'm working towards a degree in Marine Science, but to do what? I have all these grand ideas for what my ideal life looks like, but I cant pick which one I want the most, and if I did pick, I wouldn't know where to start to achieve that life.
My indecision is a large reason why I want to be more intentional in my life. I think that if I'm intentional in my choices it won't be as hard to make them.
I don't know if this will ever actually get posted but this was very therapeutic and the first time in a long time I've written without stopping and actually wrote a lot. I just wrote down what came to mind and didn't think too much and it's very interesting to clearly see a train of thought moving down the page. I probably won't edit or look at back on this for a while because I'll be too embarrassed but I'm glad to have written anything at all.
